“A good marriage isn’t something you find, it’s something you make…and you have to keep on making it.”- Gary Thomas
“We fight about the exact same thing over and over, and it seems to be getting worse.”
“I never thought we would talk to each other the way we do now.”
“My partner doesn’t seem to understand or even care how I am feeling.”
”We never seem to find a solution. I know we are going to end up just fighting about this again.”
“I’m starting to loose hope and its scary.”
“I’m so mad all the time and I cannot stand it.”
“I’m lonely and my partner doesn’t seem to understand.”
You’re not alone if these issues stand out to you. Most couples in my office have gotten to a point where they feel that the disconnection between them is beginning to wear on both partners. You feel like you can’t find resolution and that you’re arguing in circles, constantly getting off topic, and solving nothing. You feel like you’re not even resolving anything, you’re just putting the argument on pause to get back to it later on. You’re overwhelmed, angry, hurt, and you feel ignored and singled out. There’s no closure and that’s not a future you’re happy with.
At Rekindle, we use Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). EFT is a therapeutic theory with proven, lasting results. EFT focuses on the negative cycle that couples tend to get stuck in. By looking at what is happening at the root of the problem, We help the couple find a way to heal the problem so it won’t come back. In addition, the new skills learned help couples solve future problems together.
This cycle or “dance” that the couple finds themselves in at home tends to lead to one person wanting to stay and work out the problem, and one person feeling as though they have had enough and wanting to walk away before things get worse.
This mismatch causes each person to feel disconnected, angry, hurt, confused, and ultimately fearful for their relationship. This worry is normal and awful, and is what ultimately causes couples to seek therapy.
Couples we work with tell us that in a short amount of time they can:
- slow down their disagreements
- communicate how they are feeling
- identify where those emotions are coming from
- solve their day to day issues
- feel validated by their partner
- feel close and reconnected
“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. —Ursula K. Le Guin”
― Sue Johnson, Love Sense